Heading home for the Holiday’s is as much a part of late December as hot toddies and peppermint bark binges. But, not all of us head home to bustling metropolitan centers like Chicago, Brooklyn, or Philly. We emigrate back to St. Helena, Los Gatos, Ft. Collins, and Madison for a 48-72 hour tactical strike. Our friends at Hapas Brewing stuffed our H&H stocking with a top-shelf study of the phenominon that is gathering at bars over the Holidays:
It’s a yearly ritual: you make the pilgrimage home for the holidays and the night before Thanksgiving or December 23rd it’s out to the local bars for some pops. Every year, like moths to a flame, townies everywhere gather at their local watering holes to see old high school classmates, and then talk smack about them behind their backs. A lot of these people have changed significantly since chess club and marching band while others are still wearing pooka shell necklaces and rocking bleached tips. It may be hard to recognize some of these acquaintances, so we’ve put together the following guide to help you.
The Out-of-Towner – This intriguing character shows up every year even though he hates your hometown and resents everyone who lives there. Most likely, he is also a High School QB (see below), and is just itching for confrontation. It is best to avoid the Out-of-Towner unless you can bench press 300 pounds.
The High School QB – High school football is wonderful experience for young men. The lessons learned on and off the field last a lifetime. For the High School QB the glory days on the field also last forever. High School QBs are easily identified by their trademark jager bombs, class rings, and letterman jackets.
The Little League All-Star – Last time you saw this guy he was 12 years old with a full beard. He was a foot taller than everyone else and knocking baseballs out of the park. The world has caught up with the Little League All-Star so be kind to this sandlot legend; his receding hairline and glorious beer gut offer a glimpse into our near future.
The Band Geek Butterfly – The butterfly starts life as a squirmy, chubby, awkward caterpillar. The caterpillar then forms a chrysalis and eventually emerges as a beautiful butterfly. Similarly, the awkward band geek as emerged from college as a certifiable 10. You may be tempted to make a pass at the Band Geek Butterfly, but you have a better chance of out eating Joey Chestnut than taking her home. She hasn’t forgotten about the time you used her French Horn as a beer bong.
The Prom Queen – She was the most popular girl in school and for good reason: she was hot. These days she is still hot but is known by another name: Couger. Someone should tell her babies aren’t allowed in the bar!
The One That Got Away – In high school she had a perfect smile, great bone structure, was the captain of the track team, and for some reason she liked you. Not much has changed except your expanding waistline, bad knees, and the fact that she married a brain surgeon. Fear not my friend, polish your class ring, order another jager bomb, and spit some game at the Band Geek Butterfly. If all else fails, you can always reminisce about the game you scored four touchdowns!